Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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