If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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