My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
