I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
