Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
