best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
