I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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