Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When are your genitals available?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
