I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
