Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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