Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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