we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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