I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
