So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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