I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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