somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize