I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
