this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
