I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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