Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He shit in the fireplace
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
