I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
