I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
