i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
