We won't sleep together?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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