I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
