Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
There are leaves in my underwear?
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