I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
