ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
