Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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