I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
