Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
