How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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