vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
