Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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