Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
