It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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