I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
