It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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