$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize