Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
