dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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