You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
