The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
