she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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