Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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