first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
