So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
