The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
