Already got asked if we're dating
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize