Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
