I bet he comes in French.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
