You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
