seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
