Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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