At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Drake has all the answers
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize