it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
