my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
