you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
