forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
