when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
