Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
